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Pretty vacant

Posted by Simon Parke, 08 January 2018, 9.49am

At the beginning of the year, I feel vacant.

Unsure as to who or what I am and whether I have a voice; and if I do, what is it?

It is not depression; it is simply the existential uncertainty which arises when I put some distance between myself and the world and its noise. 

And early January does tend to bring it on.

I lose confidence in my working parts, unsure as to my role.

I sense the space inside me; but I’m unsure how it will relate to anything.

(Even writing this is a commitment, an act of voice, I feel uncomfortable about.)

I do not escape into the mental making of plans; my interest in them has dwindled to nought down the years.

And the past won’t speak with me, because it’s already gone, and doesn’t want me sitting on its back.

So there is just this moment… this present loss of footing, unlabelled emptiness; a fragility of identity.

Pretty vacant…like the dawn of time.

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