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February 05, 2009
'Paralysing Fear'
Anybody who knows me well, will know I am a fearful being, I scan my environment in order to keep myself safe, I am aware of peoples moods and how these in turn may affect me and I am very quick to remove myself from unsafe situations which you may agree all sounds very sensible, except because this way of being is way beyond any concious memory and has its roots in my little baby body it has a tendency to go into overdrive and prevents me steping out to do the things that I actually want to do.
Over the last few years I have been encouraged by various work supervisors to go to university to gain the academic qualifications for the job I am actually doing now. It has taken me at least three years to get to the stage of actually agreeing.
Anyway last saturday was my first day at uni, I woke with fear overtaking my body, my stomach was queasy, tears were rolling down my face, everything inside me was telling me to run.
I didn't, I went thinking that if I could get the first day over with, it would get better, I managed to survive the first day, (despite more tears on actually approaching the building) how much of me was actually present I really do not know, however the comment from my friend who met me afterwards in the pub as I held my double G&T was " You look shellshocked" Later that day I felt my body continue to stiffen until two days later my back went into spasm actually leaving me 'paralised with fear'
What am I to do? I want to do this course, I know I have the ability and knowledge needed to do this course, yet my body works against me.
At the moment I am parenting myself, My adult self speaks to the child in me
" My Beautiful girl
Come sit close to me
There is nothing for you to fear
Relax, breath deep, stay calm.
Take one step at a time
There are new opportunities ahead of you
And new things to learn
Do not be afraid
There is nothing to hold you back
Hold your head high
Be courageous
And bodly step forward
The journey of 1000 miles
Starts with a single step"
Posted by Shelliz at February 5, 2009 01:00 PM