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March 08, 2009

For A x

I have not written for a while and now I am here on my bed wanting to write I don't know where to begin.
Over the last five months I have been at a new workplace and although it has been a fantastic experience which I will always hold dear, it has been exceptionally challenging and has shaken my inner core repeatedly and continues to do so. It has brought to light those bad habits which I thought I had conquered and made me realise that they are still there and have just been hiding.
One of my bad habits when young was to lie. So much so that it got to the point where I was lying about everything and completely lost myself doing it.
I stopped the lying eventually as I realised that I no longer had any reason to lie. No one was checking up on me, knowing that I was dwindling hours away on nothing activities. I was on my own and had to find my own way. I was an adult.
So for a while I did not lie as I made my own decisions and conducted my life how I wanted it. Perfect.
Now at work however, I am under pressure, more so than ever before and when questioned on where I am with my work, the old familiar panic sets in and the lie comes out.
It is very embarassing as I then have to say ' no, actually that is incorrect, I didn't do that'. My manager looks at me with a frown wondering why I have lied or whether I am just very absent minded. If the latter, do you want someone like that working for you?
She knows however that it is because of the fear and understands this as people before me have done the same.
'Russell, telling the truth is always be better than lying. If you have made a mistake it is ok. It's just that you must tell me and then we can amend it.'
And dear reader she has stuck to her word. Yes, she highlights when I have made an error and with good reason, so I don't do it again. She does however understand that in a place so complex and fast pace, there are always things to learn and mistakes will be made.
'We are human after all Russell'.
I trust my manager to tell her when I need help and she accepts my flaws and wants to actively work on them with me. She has held me over the last five months and with her acceptance I am on my way to dealing with my naughty habits with the hope that one day they will fade and no longer hold power over me.

Posted by Russell at March 8, 2009 12:45 PM

Comments

Posted by: Vivienne at March 21, 2009 06:04 PM