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December 29, 2010
Beneath a cold Sussex sky
This has always been my favourite week of the year, a still and open place, and without identity, bewteen the pre-Christmas busyness and the labours of the New Year.
Even the roads quieten a little in awe at this moment, when we remember who we are, and smile at the misty thaw.
The week will end with me conducting the wedding of my niece Emily on New Year's eve. It's rare I see the new year in, but 2011 I will greet, beneath a cold Sussex sky...
And whether you sleep or sing as the new year arrives, you are most wonderfully held from first step to last.
See you on the other side...
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2010
Christmas Blessings to One and All
It has been a while since I've blogged and yet so many things have been happening. And while I done my best to stay with the thoughts and feelings as they have come and gone, I've found it hard to share them.
Why? because I have this mad idea that people expect me to be happy at Christmas time, that I expect myself to be happy.
The truth is I am not happy and I keep myself busy, so that the sad feelings don't get a chance to come to the surface, but this is just a way of lying to myself.
The truth is I find Christmas time difficult and painful, I am a good actor and I can make a wonderful Christmas experience for others to step into, but when I sit with my own feelings, I just want to cry.
At a mince pie gathering with a couple of friends recently we were talking about the Santa myth, and did it have an adverse effect on children or were the people who thought it did just being miserable.
One of my friends said that he felt that there was nothing wrong with believing in Santa, but for many adults when this is gone there is nothing to replace it. Maybe this is so for me.
The truth is I'm not sure why I feel sadness at this time of year, It is so easy to dreg up passed experiences to hang it on, but in reality it is not a very helpful thing to do.
So this year, I am saying welcome to the feelings and just allowing them to be.
I am learning that this too is ok and having the sad feelings does not mean I can not enjoy the real blessings that I have in my life at this moment.
It means I can receive and enjoy them in a honest place inside myself and I am finding that this is bringing healing into the hurt places.
And It means I can actually wish 'Christmas blessings to one and all' without feeling a fraud.
Posted by Shelliz at 02:38 PM | Comments (0)
December 23, 2010
A good anchorage
Marzena's recent enclosure made me think of the anchoresses of the Middle-Ages.
These were women who felt the calling to be enclosed on a permanent basis. They were tested by the Church; most importantly, they had to convince people that they had enough money to pay servants/attendants to come and bring them food every day for the rest of their lives.
Because they were enclosed,truly; and therefore couldn't nip down the shops for a pint of milk and a loaf of bread. Part of the enclosure ceremony was the permanent bricking up of their door by the bishop; and also included in this was a funeral ceremony during which they received the last rites. Because from here on, no priest would be attending to them. How could they?
But these women weren't leaving the world. The calling of the anchoress was to be solitary, yet anchored in the world. And so it was that there were three windows in the cell, which would usually be built on the side of a church. One of the windows was called a Squint, and allowed them to look through to the church and recieve the blessed sacrament. A second window was for the attendant to bring food, and to remove bodily waste, for which a chamber pot was used. The third window was for visitors, who came to the anchoress for advice, prayers or counsel.
Inside, the furniture would be a crucifix, hard bed and small alter.
It all feels rather particular in a way, and nothing like our lives. But the more I reflect on it, the more it seems exactly like our lives. The maintenance of a contemplative space within; and then the best use of our windows onto the world that we can manage.
We'll each have to make our own particular cell, and no two cells are the same. For some of us are all window, and no retreat within. And others of us are walled and all retreat, lacking any windows of relationship and connection with the world.The grand thing is that we can always change things; always adapt, because life is change, even in a cell.
Here's wishing you a good anchorage this Christmas, and in the year to come.
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)
Neither brainless nor spineless
I've just had my MRI scan. Always good to have something exciting to do on one's day off work, methink. And so it was.
It took about 40 min and involved lying still on a table inside a tube-like apparatus, with headphones on and a kind of helmet fitted round my head. I was asked if I wanted music on, but beacause of a generic nature of the term 'music', I got alarmed and politely declined. Chances that it would turn out to be Mozart or Billie Holliday were rather slim, I quickly decided. Besides, I wanted to be totally present to a variety of sounds and banging noises generated by the scanner taking in different parts of my brain and spine. It was a kind of music in itself and I found the experience surprisingly relaxing.
So far I've learnt that they found both my brain and spine, which is a relief. But the resulting images will have to be interpreted by a doctor at a later date. I know how to be patient (a patient!) by now.
But while lying inside the scanner, a thought came to me, and I had to be careful not to giggle and by moving, ruin the images. About a wasted business opportunity for the NHS. They could offer an optional extra service - manicure and pedicure, say, while having your brain scanned. In our time-poor society it would work a treat.
Next week - Visual Evoked Potentials test. What an adventure!
Posted by Marzena at 11:23 AM | Comments (0)
December 20, 2010
The secrets revealed
Well, thank you to everyone for the wise and wonderful comments below, and thank you to Marzena for being kind enough to pass them on and allow us a glimpse of her mail bag.
It all reminded me of something Julian of Norwich does in her 'Revelations of Divine Love'. Julian, a 14th century hermit, is right up there with the 'Great English Women' and like Chaucer, wrote in Middle-English.
So in her theological reflections, she doesn't use the word 'Redemption'. There's nothing wrong with the word, and it has its own power and place. But though it started out as a word of commerce, it has become slightly hijacked by a particular sort of Christianity.
But as I say, Julian doesn't use the word. Instead, she uses the phrase 'again-making.' She doesn't want to know if you are redeemed. She wants to know if you are again-made?
The adventure of making again, or again-making, includes us all, without label, boundary or any strings attached. And it seems to me that some of the secrets are kindly revealed below.
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 02:13 PM | Comments (0)
December 19, 2010
Thank you
Ten days ago I posted 'A cry for help' piece, and almost immediately afterwards I regreted doing so.
I was embarrased. After all, I haven't been diagnosed with an incurable disease - I'm meerly awaiting some tests which should be followed by a diagnosis at some point. What diagnosis? That's the whole point of my great anxiety.
And yet I'm glad I did post my egotistical little blog. The volume and quality of responses was overwhelming and I'm touched and grateful to everyone who took the time and trouble to write. I thank you all very much, and apologies to those to whom I didn't write back to thank in person.
I found all emails very helpful, even if collectively they were full of contradictions. All were very sensitive. Thankfully, nobody mentionend Jesus or Karma - for this I'm doubly grateful! ;)
Here are some extracts from your messages:
"The easiest words are those of consolations that dismiss the cares of others. If only the mind could be stilled so easily we would all be enlightened. [...} You cannot resolve tomorrow today. [...} The way I know to slow the anxious mind is to think of it like a startled horse. First you must catch it (...) Don't resist the thought, chase it, go right into it. Indulge in it and, with subtle suggestions, slowly redirect it. Not from negatine thoughts to some fantasy that easily crumbles but to a recognition of its voice."
'Life is a theatre of constantly changing roles, really not to be taken too seriously. I don't want to downgrade the very real pain on all levels that you're obviously experiencing, but try to detach yourself from it rather than be immersed in it and watch it from a place beyond the mind. [...} Tell yourself every day that you are perfect, which indeed, on deeper level, you are."
Perfect and blessed, but also very imperfect and human.
Posted by Marzena at 02:31 PM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2010
Pity parties
It could be said by those who know me that I have been having a pity party for one for the past six months. It also could be said that I had the right to. Having spent the past four years studying so that I could do the job I wanted, I came out of university to find that government budgets were being slashed and that it would be a struggle to find a job. Although this was a problem, I considered myself to be in a better position than some due to the fact that I had had significant work experience prior to studying and (what I considered to be) a very good CV.
While applying for jobs, I decided to join an agency so that I could work in the meantime and gain further experience. After a lot of hassle filling out endless pieces of paperwork, i joined. Unfortunately, since joining (Aug) I have not worked one day. They say there is no work. I felt very let down by this. Putting effort into something and getting nothing back is very frustrating.
During this time as I said, I was also applying for permanant jobs advertised. In all I think that I did 25-30 although I stopped counting after a while. When applying for these jobs, I did everything that was asked (they all asked for different things) and would spend a whole day on one to ensure everything was correct and good. Despite this, I was not given any interviews. Feedback given said things like 'over experienced', 'not enough experience', 'not what we are looking for'.
I frankly could not understand it. I thought that I had what an employer would want. Reliable, punctual, hard working, trustworthy and pleasant to talk to. I had worked my arse off for four years and thought that I would have a job at the end of it. But no. Despite my efforts, no one was employing me, the agency never rang (I gave up ringing them) and I was spending my days at home with no money and lots of frustration. I considered giving up.
With this, I was also battling with my electric company as they had the idea that I owed them £800. Gladly the matter is now sorted and they gave me £50 refund for their mistake.
A couple of months ago, I finally received a request to attend an interview. I had to look at the piece of paper for a while to quite believe it. Cutting a long story short as I have been writing for a while, I went and received the job. Success!
I also secured a job in the meantime working on the ward that I used to a few years ago doing odd shifts until the paperwork comes through and I am allowed to start.
Since things have started to come together, I have been thinking about my time over the past six months and realised that while some things were completely rubbish (I forgot to mention tedious phone calls to a HR man), many wonderful things have also happened.
Some being that I have moved to a wonderful new home, I had three top holidays with those I love, I have my first job starting soon where I get to do what I love and I have been able to spend a great deal of time with my partner which I missed out on during my final year at uni.
So yes, it has been a trying time where things have not gone to plan however despite this there are many wonderful things in my life and the sun has got his hat on once again. For me, when things are not going right I get very angry and sometimes feel that all is lost. In the present and the future, I am going to be aware of this and try to remember the good even when things are bad, hopefully maintaining more emotional balance.
Tonight, as I enjoy chicken thighs and baked beans, I thank those who heard me moan and listened to me. It was a comfort and I am grateful to have you. X
Posted by Russell at 05:46 PM | Comments (0)
Pity parties
It could be said by those who know me that I have been having a pity party for one for the past six months. It also could be said that I had the right to. Having spent the past four years studying so that I could do the job I wanted, I came out of university to find that government budgets were being slashed and that it would be a struggle to find a job. Although this was a problem, I considered myself to be in a better position than some due to the fact that I had had significant work experience prior to studying and (what I considered to be) a very good CV.
While applying for jobs, I decided to join an agency so that I could work in the meantime and gain further experience. After a lot of hassle filling out endless pieces of paperwork, i joined. Unfortunately, since joining (Aug) I have not worked one day. They say there is no work. I felt very let down by this. Putting effort into something and getting nothing back is very frustrating.
During this time as I said, I was also applying for permanant jobs advertised. In all I think that I did 25-30 although I stopped counting after a while. When applying for these jobs, I did everything that was asked (they all asked for different things) and would spend a whole day on one to ensure everything was correct and good. Despite this, I was not given any interviews. Feedback given said things like 'over experienced', 'not enough experience', 'not what we are looking for'.
I frankly could not understand it. I thought that I had what an employer would want. Reliable, punctual, hard working, trustworthy and pleasant to talk to. I had worked my arse off for four years and thought that I would have a job at the end of it. But no. Despite my efforts, no one was employing me, the agency never rang (I gave up ringing them) and I was spending my days at home with no money and lots of frustration. I considered giving up.
With this, I was also battling with my electric company as they had the idea that I owed them £800. Gladly the matter is now sorted and they gave me £50 refund for their mistake.
A couple of months ago, I finally received a request to attend an interview. I had to look at the piece of paper for a while to quite believe it. Cutting a long story short as I have been writing for a while, I went and received the job. Success!
I also secured a job in the meantime working on the ward that I used to a few years ago doing odd shifts until the paperwork comes through and I am allowed to start.
Since things have started to come together, I have been thinking about my time over the past six months and realised that while some things were completely rubbish (I forgot to mention tedious phone calls to a HR man), many wonderful things have also happened.
Some being that I have moved to a wonderful new home, I had three top holidays with those I love, I have my first job starting soon where I get to do what I love and I have been able to spend a great deal of time with my partner which I missed out on during my final year at uni.
So yes, it has been a trying time where things have not gone to plan however despite this there are many wonderful things in my life and the sun has got his hat on once again. For me, when things are not going right I get very angry and sometimes feel that all is lost. In the present and the future, I am going to be aware of this and try to remember the good even when things are bad, hopefully maintaining more emotional balance.
Tonight, as I enjoy chicken thighs and baked beans, I thank those who heard me moan and listened to me. It was a comfort and I am grateful to have you. X
Posted by Russell at 05:46 PM | Comments (0)
December 10, 2010
P.S.
P.S. And remember Marzena, e mail address provided below.
We adventure variously but travel as one.
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 04:06 PM | Comments (0)
The story of the dog in the forest, barking.
On Wednesday morning, I was leading an INSET training morning for some teachers.
It was perhaps a more daring morning than some - brave of the Head to invite me - because I wasn't doing a snazzy powerpoint presentation (I don't know how, to be honest) or giving out loads of hand outs, bristling with useful information for Performance Management Targets etc
Instead, we were being quite still really and listening to ourselves, aware that the quality of our silence determines the quality of our noise.
As I say, it was a brave invitation by the Head teacher; and he was rewarded with a real and surprising openness amongst his staff.
One of the stories a number of people wished to photocopy was this one about a dog in the forest. You may know it.
The story concerns a traveller walking through the woods.
They are enjoying the peace and tranquiility, when they become aware of a dog barking in the distance.
The barking goes on, and becomes increasingly irritating.
'Why doesn't it just shut up?!' thinks the traveller. 'I mean what's it all about?'
The traveller becomes increasingly angry and a storm cloud of negative thoughts. And then on entering a clearing, they see the dog, and the dog starts barking even more. Ye Gods!
This time, the traveller takes it all a bit more personally.
'You're barking at me, are you, you stupid dog?! Well, there's no need for that, no need at all!'
Their quiet walk in the woods seems a long way away now; there is only anger in the traveller's heart. And then they notice something.
They notice that the dog's leg is caught ina harsh metal trap. It is barking in pain.
Suddenly, the anger melts from the traveller's heart, and compassion takes its place. Previously, they'd heard only the barking; now they saw only the pain.
Only unhappy people are nasty; and its never personal.
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 03:46 PM | Comments (0)
December 09, 2010
A cry for help
I have been in a dark place lately; still am. Safe for a moment or two of lightness (like a sudden ray of sunshine in a sky otherwise obscured by solid clouds), it has been a time of deep anxiety around an undiagnised distressing condition that seems to occur in a relapse/remission pattern (MS?).
Having more tests this months, including MRI and the wonderfully named Visual Evoke Potential test, but the follow-up appointmnet with a neurologist is set for 3rd March. March?! How am I going to cope until then?
And this is not a rhetorical question. I really would like to know. Of course I know all about 'living in the present' and not worrying about what the future might or might not bring, about 'all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well' etc, but still - it's hard.
How am I to trust that whatever is coming is going to be all right? I would really like to know. Answers on a postcard please; alternatively, drop me a line to Marzenaphoto@aol.com .
Posted by Marzena at 05:22 PM | Comments (0)
December 07, 2010
Abba - the Blog
The artistic renaissance of ITV continues, and what further proof could you need than Sunday night's 'The nation's favourite Abba song' special.
You've seen Abba the Show and Abba the Film. Sit back now and enjoy (the much cheaper) Abba the Blog
The programme was a classic of its kind, another great costume drama, even if the costumes were from a very particular 1970's Swedish wardrobe.
The programme was based on a public vote, counting down the top 25 favourite Abba songs, inching slowly towards the No.1. In between, we had some celebrity comments. I liked Richard Curtis, writer of Blackadder, Four weddings and a funeral etc, commenting about their popularity. 'The thing was, there were two really attractive girls, and two blokes who looked like the rest of us.'
The thing about Abba, of course, is that everyone knows their songs - even if they don't want to know them. You can sing along to 'I do, I do, I do, I do,I do' even if you think its shit. The Taliban are probably singing along to it in Helmand. Somewhere and somehow in your life, the songs have permeated your being in a way other bands haven't really managed.
'Gimme, gimme gimme a man after midnight!' we all sing with gusto; though perhaps I sing that one with less gusto than some.
Take a chance on me; SOS; Can you hear the drums Fernando?; Under attack; Chiqitita; Money, money, money - ah, these we have loved. (A bit.) Though of course their songs were increasingly sad as the years went by, as the two band marriages became the two band separations. And so came 'Knowing me, knowing you', 'the bohemian rhapsody of divorce' as Richard Curtis called it. 'This time we're through and knowing me, knowing you is the best I can do.'
On a cheerier note, I found that with Abba, and for the first time in my life,I'm in sync with popular opinion.I don't wish to boast or make a big thing of it - though I think I will anyway - but my three favourite abba songs were all in the top 4, only split by Dancing Queen at No.2.
And what were they? 'The Day before you came' was at No.4; 'Thank you for the music' at No.3, and at No.1, yes, that profoundly melancholic pop wonder, 'The winner takes it all.'
And that's it for now, folks. So as the Swedish say, thank you for coming, thank you for going.
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 08:33 AM | Comments (0)
December 04, 2010
Stepping inland
It was very kind of Marzena to take us at least to the Coast of Utopia. Though as Stoppard's play suggests, the coast is a pretty safe place from which to preach. From the coast line, everyone can stand confident and describe whatever land takes their fancy. 'It's like this!' 'No, it's like this!'
And if you're standing with them on the coast, you have to take it on trust. Or mutter negative replies.
For this reason, I've always preferred immanent spirituality, which is spirituality which works from the inside out; works from what we can know from within ourselves.
This is about describing the land having walked it, breathed it, seen it; unlike those who stand determinedly on the coast and pontificate from some imagined revelation.
So I've just retweeted Anthony de Mello's observation that if we understand our unhappiness it disapperas. This is true and a word from inland.
Instead of gazing longingly at other people's version of Utopia - 'It's yours, now! I have a special revelation!' - we work with what we know. Our unhappiness, for instance, which is a good place to start. (It's actually where Buddha started from, of course.)
How I saw someone's eyes light up this week when they realised the source of their unhappiness. They are mid-40's, so perhaps it was time.
They don't need other people's coastal observations now. They have their own observations from actually walking the land, their land.
The daring enjoy the wonderful coast line but don't dawdle there. Instead, they step inland on their own journey of discovery.
And can you reach utopia from here? The proof will be in the walking. But let the courageous take heart from the words of Vinvent Van Gogh:'Heaven is where the daring go.'
Posted by Mr Bojangles at 09:41 AM | Comments (0)
December 02, 2010
The Coast of Utopia
Just checking in with this imaginary dialog between two giants of the 19th century Russian revolutionary thought , one anarchist, the other socialist, while you're no doubt in a state of being 'bitterly disappointed' or maybe even 'heartbroken' about a certain event not happening in 8 years time.
It comes from a play by Tom Stoppard 'The Coast of Utopia' and it's meant to make you crack a smile if not a full monty laugh..
Bakunin: "Left to themselves, people are noble, generous, uncorrupted; they'd create a completely new kind of society, if only people weren't so blind, stupid and selfish."
Herzen: "is that the same people or different people?"
Posted by Marzena at 09:47 PM | Comments (0)