Simon Parke  
Click here for Abbot Peter Click here for Simon's blog Click here for Simon's books Click here for Simon's consultancy Click here for Simon's retreats
      Cover of Conversations with Arthur Conan Doyle   Picture of the cover of One Minute Mindfulness.   Cover of The Secret Testament of Julian

School shame

Some people think that school is all about the three ‘Rs’. But for Brene Brown, it’s mainly about shame.

The present government just can’t leave education alone. So whether it’s the marginalisation of the arts, a more pressured Ofsted grading system or another overhaul of exams, teachers are not short of directives and discussion documents. But whatever the edicts from on high, the paradox of the adolescent at school remains the same: a strong desire to define themselves in the world in a setting that may hinder rather than help. The real concern for the pupil is not teacher performance criteria but the fragile emergence of identity in a world less favourable than hoped.

At the age when you’re most sensitive to the impressions of others, you’re in a ‘lord of the flies’ environment of cliques and small-time dictators where labels are stuck on people freely and without care. And Brene Brown, researcher at the University of Houston, believes that shame is the consequence of this perfect adolescent storm. ‘Shame,’ she says, ‘is all about the unwanted identities and labels.’ And most remember these starting during their tweens and teens.

Shame tends to isolate rather than energise, making us secretive and brutal people. As we learn how to hide things we learn also to hurt others from the rage of our private shame. The belief that we’re somehow deficient and can never quite belong is a terrible feeling for any child at school. And it can also be terrible for parents. Brown notes how many parents of teenagers re-live the shame of their own schooldays once their children experience the pain of not being ‘on the cool table’ or not getting asked out or not having friends in the playground.

For some parents, she says, ‘it’s like a secondary trauma’ and one so painful that they find themselves unable to respond with compassion. Instead of listening and saying something like, ‘It’s hard, I know, I remember it myself, but you’re stronger than you think,’ the reaction is more often, ‘Oh, don’t be so stupid! The world doesn’t owe you a living! Toughen up a bit!’

The degree to which young people take their fragile school identities into adult life will vary according to the latent resources for growth within them. But school is a formative time, the first moment away from home when we begin to feel for an identity in the world; and the quality of that experience, for good or ill, can live on for many years.

So it’s helpful that we can read and write when we leave school and helpful that we can add and subtract. Such understanding will open doors. But it’s also important that we listen to the playground, the labels attached and the stigmas felt. As Rumi said, we’re a guest house not a home for our emotions. If we’ve noted shame’s arrival, it’s important he’s told he can’t stay.



Get Simon’s newsletter

Email address