One honour that comes my way – and it’s better than a knighthood – is to work with couples considering their future; or siblings who cannot get on, but would maybe like to.
No two stories are the same, but I think in the business of repair, one thing is essential at the start. Without this one thing, very little that’s creative can occur.
And the one thing necessary is a level playing field. There needs to be a joint acknowledgement that we are both damaged individuals. This may sound obvious but the playing field is often not level at all. One person might be convinced they are right; that the moral high ground is theirs and the other person needs to sort themselves out.
Perhaps they are critical of their partner’s family and the influence they exert; while being entirely blind to the influence of their own family in this story. When I feel I am right and the other is wrong, I am partially-sighted at best… and possibly blind.
But there are other reasons for the playing field to be un-level. Perhaps one of the partners doesn’t think much of themselves, and under constant attack, they become less than who they are. Perhaps they lose their voice, become avoidant of conflict. Their partner may take the high ground, but they dig themselves a hole and inhabit lower ground.
And between high ground and low ground, there’s not much of a meeting.
Central in any relationship is the ability to name our pain without using it to attack, blame or shame. When we weaponise our pain and use it for attack, nothing is created. When we use phrases like ‘…and another thing that really pisses me off is when you etc etc…!’ there is only bruising, withdrawal or return of fire: ‘Well, what about last week when you etc etc…!’
Here is assault. What there isn’t is repair.
As is well known, there is often a perceived mis-match of effort in relationships. One feels everything must change, and in particular their partner; and the other feels everything’s pretty OK as it is. Here are two different worlds with a chasm in between. The partner demanding change may need to appreciate what they have, what is already there. The partner feeling everything’s OK, may need to wake up, take some initiatives, reach out, take action. Can they be bothered?
Sometimes people do repair things and find enough connection to continue. As EM Forster writes in his novel ‘Howard’s End’ ‘only connect’; and sometimes it is so and a fresh adventure begun.
And sometimes it’s not possible, for various reasons. And a common one is the failure to find a level playing field where two damaged souls, without judgement or blame, offer each other enough safety to explore what now might be possible.
Before parting, these are the questions for both partners:
How can I be fully myself and stay in connection?
Can I give up on trying to change my partner? (It never works)
How is my childhood story of parental relationships influencing my present?
Can this story be reframed?
Can invitation replace expectation?
Can two damaged lives stay together and create something good?
Whatever the relationship, if only the damage of one is recognised, this will be difficult.
And sometimes we stay, and sometimes we go.
