‘What the world needs now, is love, sweet love,
It’s the only thing there’s just too little of.’
So wrote lyricist Hal David, and with a Burt Bacharach tune, the song was first released in 1965. But sixty years on, the news cycle remains in the grip of hate rather than love, which is why Muriel doesn’t watch it any more. ‘Too much hate,’ she says. ‘What the world needs now,’ she sings, like a canary in a coal mine and you can’t argue with the sentiment. But as to what love actually is, we remain a little hazy. A definition might be nice.
As I reflect on my experience, I see three versions of love in the world. One of these is worth nothing, one is worth something and one is priceless and eternal.
Right at the bottom of the pile is fake love. Fake love will be recognised for being either manipulative, coercive or sporadic.
Manipulative love has its own agenda, playing mainly on guilt and shame. We hear it in words like: ‘I love you so much, if you leave me I will kill myself.’ Or, as I heard a gas lighting parent say recently, ‘I think it might be best if you loved your mother rather than criticising her! I’m not sure I’m the bad person here!’
Manipulative love works mainly with small comments, little digs; it works with guilt-inducing stealth. And it’s all about their needs, not the other’s.
Coercive love is concerned with control of another, whether it’s where they go, or who they see, or what they say or believe. I think of the husband who refused to let his wife and children be driven by anyone else but himself. ‘I care about your safety,’ he told them. But there was no kindness or concern here, only control of what they did and who they did it with.
There are religious groupings who fall into this category. They want to control what you believe. Controlling and coercive behaviour dressed up as faith, as Godly.
While sporadic love, offered one day, withdrawn the next, has destroyed many a childhood. ‘If I upset my mum, she wouldn’t speak to me for three days,’ said someone recently. ‘She’d speak to my siblings but not me. Only when the punishment was over would she speak again, as if nothing had happened. But for me, a lot had happened and none of it nice.’
So, these are three versions of fake love.
Then there is worldly love, which will also be familiar. Put simply, worldly love loves those who please us, who make us feel good or in whom our ego is invested in some way, whether it’s our dog or our children, a work colleague or our attractive neighbour. This may also include love for those who society tells us we must love, like family. In my work, I hear terrible stories of parental abuse. But often the stories are followed by the words like: ‘But he’s my dad, so I love him.’
Sometimes I will ask, ‘What does that mean? When you say you love him, after the way he behaves, what does that mean?’ To me, it feels like a societal requirement rather than anything authentic; a protective blanket thrown over the longing and lies.
A cover-up which helps no one.
Worldly love operates in quite a small circle of recipients. We talk of people dying ‘surrounded by their loved ones’. It can be quite transactional, however. Sometimes it will forgive – we make special allowance for some people. But not always. If the worldly love offered is not reciprocated in a suitable manner, we might get the silent treatment, for weeks, months or years.
And finally, and with some relief, there is true love. True love is when we allow our personality to dissolve a little, when we de-centre from our own needs and hang-ups, and, without any agenda, offer wellbeing to the person or situation before us.
True love might be offered anywhere, whether it’s to the builder, the supermarket cashier, our daughter, or our friend. It might break out on a train, at work or on holiday. True love might offer space or money; it might offer kindness or a helping hand or a listening and non-judgemental ear. Who knows? It might even put in a much-needed boundary. Or speak the uncomfortable truth; love can be hard-edged. It just depends on the person and the situation. Love has a multitude of disguises.
But central to true love is a concern for the situation or person before us, and not for ourselves. What would be best for them? As Simone Weil said, ‘Love the accurate assessment of need.’
That’s the love the world needs a little more of.
So, these are the three loves: fake, worldly and true. And the truth is, we will live each of these loves in some manner; our authenticity is occasional and sporadic. But we’ll not punish ourselves; just be a little more aware of our motives.
And in the end, we can only offer what we have received. As Loretta Young observed, ‘Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.’
I wish that for you.
