In his therapy memoir, Love’s Executioner, the therapist Irvin Yalom recounts a difficult encounter with a seventy-year-old woman called Thelma.
The sessions are difficult. Thelma is obsessed with a twenty-seven-day ‘love affair’ she had with a previous therapist, Matthew. It occurred eight years previously.
She was then quickly dropped by Matthew, who gave no explanation. But these twenty-seven days were the only thing that had ever given her life meaning. They had great power. And eight years on, with no contact, she still thought only of him…rather than her husband.
To cut a long story short, Yalom believed that there was no growth, no health for Thelma while she built her life around this illusion of reciprocated love. So he felt he had to become ‘Love’s executioner’.
‘He never loved you. His boundaries collapsed for a while – both personal and professional – but it was never love on his part.’
And, now finished as a therapist, Matthew himself confirmed this truth to her face in a three-way session. He had wanted to help her; but things had got a little confused for him. And then he ran away.
There was no happy ending to the story. Thelma left therapy in anger. She was angry with both Matthew and Yalom, (for his role in exposing the illusion.) And Yalom felt uncomfortable with the process, blaming himself, to an extent.
It is the work of therapy to dismantle the disabling illusions we construct our lives around. But this is only okay if we are helped to find life beyond the illusion. Something has to replace the illusion. If it doesn’t, there is merely a black hole and extraordinary vulnerability – like someone in a T-shirt in the Arctic.
For Yalom, true therapy begins once the illusion is exposed and released. With the illusion and its power dissolved, here is creative space at last.
But Thelma chose to end it right there…just when Yalom thought it was beginning.
For what it’s worth, I feel Yalom did a good job; the illusion had to die; it was holding her back, paralysing her. But he wasn’t in control of the process, as none of us are, and the client can choose what they do, even if it is apparently against their wellbeing.
The damaged soul will often choose more damage…until it doesn’t.
Few of us live without illusions. And the most frequent illusion is the belief that I live without them: ‘Illusions are what others have. I think I’m pretty realistic.’
It is difficult for us to see our own illusions; for they have a long and discreet residency within us. They are part of our fabric; hidden in plain sight. Others may see them more clearly.
But some of the most frequent illusions I encounter are:
- I can control events with power or planning
- I am responsible for everyone
- There is a right way of doing things
- I had a happy childhood, nothing to complain about
- I know what others are thinking about me
- There is much to be anxious about
- I like to think I’m pretty self-aware
- Others need help more than I do
- I’m not angry – I’m just disappointed
- No one can understand my pain
- I can save others, it’s what I do, I find solutions
- If I ignore it, it doesn’t exist
- I am glad I see life logically
Do feel free to add to the list.
And remember, there is always life beyond the illusion.
