The soldier kneels on my arm and cross beam.
I smell his sweat, I smell his groin in my face; binding cloth is tightened around my wrist. It will staunch the blood, slow the death – ‘turns two days into three’, all know this… and then the nail lined up, slight pressure on my wrist through the cloth, I feel it – eight inches, I note the nail, flat head, no use for furniture – only cross beams.
The pause, the knee still on my arm, holding me down, pain enough, the arm swinging down, but nothing prepares you – my body jerks, I shit my bowels empty, the nail through my wrist, everything swimming, blood everywhere, they move away, dark silhouettes in the morning sky, blocking the sun, changing sides, ‘Go away!’ – my left arm now, sun then shadow, the clink of armour.
And these are not Roman, they speak Syrian, they speak Greek, not a good sign, they hate us and they laugh, they sneer – the other wrist bound, tight binding, hard knee in my arm again, slight pressure to line it up, lining up the nail. I had a good eye, always hit clean, but nothing prepares you, the wrist again, a nightmare of shock up my arm, right the way up, never-ending…
…and now I’m being dragged across the ground, four soldiers holding the cross beam, like horses pulling a chariot, my body lifted, my feet drag, and then suddenly hoisted up, bright sun, they climb steps – now everything screams, everything, my shoulders break, this is death, my feet mid-air, looking for a home, the patibulum heaved up onto the stipes, Roman words to remember and curse…
…the jerk of the cross beam finding its place, held by pegs – strong pegs, my feet find the wooden block, momentary relief, I push up, nothing prepares you – the nail through my heels, eight inches, nailed to the pain, insufferable – for this cannot be suffered, and this cannot be endured, I disappear…
…I look inside me for the cave, I look for the light in the cave, I try to do this, where else to go? But the cave is flooded, dirty torrents of water smashing through, the corridor flooded, the light lost and I want only to die and screw the light.
I am poured out like water, dirty water, my bones out of joint, every screaming one of them, my heart like wax, my mouth so dry – my God, my God, why have you abandoned me!
Pause
Shapes of people, I see shapes, soldiers smirk.
I hear them through the throb, awake and then not, the throb is a noise, a noise of pain, I see them below; they talk and joke, and my cave is dark, I am drowning in the cave but I will not hate, and I will not hate, and I will not hate so forgive them, father, forgive them, what am I saying?…
…forgive Pilate the Chancer and Herod the Fox, forgive soldier and priest and my disappearing friends, forgive dear Judas and Nazareth – yes, even racist, life-hating Nazareth, forgive them, they know not what they do… I feel only their struggle, these poor unhappy little men… forgive them!
Agghh! My God and dear heaven, now I see my mother and Mary! I see them now, I think so… Do I dream?
And young John, they should not be here, go away! Please, no! They stand near, too near, my mother’s head up, staring straight, I try to speak,
‘John, take her home with you, please take her home with you’ – I think I speak, I don’t know, but he must take her home, ‘Go with John’, I say to her, ‘a better family for you, a better son, a better place – don’t watch this death, and you, my Magdala friend, don’t watch!’
Pause
And am I alive?
Though I remember we made good tables together, my father and I; and good homes, safe homes, foundations you could trust in the rains…
… and I see him now, bending down to greet a child, greeting me – and glad he is not here, though wanting him here; and that moment when the job was done, the building finished,
‘It is finished, Jesus,’ he would say, ‘You can leave it now, you can put the hammer down – or the job’s never done. We walk now, we leave, it is finished.’
‘It is finished!’…the song is lost or the song is done, my mind is lost, my spirit ebbs, a pain in my side, pain beyond pain, but the light in the cave within, I see the light, I have lost my mind but found the light…
…the long walk home, we walk now, we leave, back to the light… I feel I dance into the light, and such light around me and into your hands, heavenly father, I commit my spirit…
… for here, it is finished…
