Blame and its dark associates are having an absolute field day on Planet Earth. Both in politics and at home, things have never been better for the cause of condemnation. It’s a drug we can’t get enough.
Victim Trump blames other nations with relationship-breaking economic tariffs. He puts up a financial wall – it makes him feel better.
And then John blames his wife Mary for his unhappiness. It must be Mary. What else could it be? It means unhappy John can at least feel he’s ‘in the right’. Blame does this.
Celeste blames her company for the same. She’s not as happy as she wants to be, she’s seriously stressed by work and often tells her friends: ‘This company is shit. I need another job.’
Social media is glued together by blame as two binary worlds – each on their own moral high ground – trade accusations in the ether. Blame is so simple – you barely have to think!
And there aren’t many headlines which don’t contain blame or accusation. Blame justifies the blamer… so the Daily Express feels great. (Other news outlets are also available.)
Middle-manager Lloyd blames everyone else because he fears losing his job. It makes him feel more secure, protected in some manner. Fear always generates blame.
And then there’s a Buddhist saying which comes to mind, which sounds a bit shocking: ‘Drive all blames into oneself’.
What?!?
This isn’t telling us to turn in on ourselves in self-accusation or encourage doom-spiralling shame. It’s not advocating martyrdom either.
What it is saying is that pain comes from holding too tightly to the idea of having our own way. If having our own way is our driver, our presumed vehicle to happiness, then blame of others must follow.
When we feel uncomfortable at not having our own way, we don’t like the feeling, it causes discomfort and one way to leave this place is to inculpate another.
Blame fortifies our sense of rightness and erects barriers in communication. ‘I’m right, you’re wrong – what is there to talk about?’ Assuming the mantle of victim, we raise social tariffs to make others pay the price for our thwarted way.
Victim Trump presently dismantles slow-built relationships across the world because the frightened ego will always put blame ahead of relationship. It’s immediately self-soothing in a way relationship isn’t.
It happens in marriages and the work place too. Blame is the reaction of panic that we are not getting our own way. How dare they?
We do it everywhere – to those closest to us, to those far away, we protect our hurting hearts via accusation. We don’t like the pain we feel so we tighten up and condemn.
What can we do about it?
Maybe the first step when we feel the need to blame is to pause. We take ten deep breaths, go for a walk, break the intense mental cycle. We may then be able to notice what it feels like to hold on to ourselves so tightly. Why do I cling so tight? What am I protecting? And what does it feel like to blame? What does it feel like to be so superior, so righteously indignant?
Maybe we can pause the blame reaction long enough to create space in which to see the wound beneath the protective shell of blame.
To what do I hold so tightly? And why?
All blame arises from pain and healing the wound is the vehicle to happiness…
...while blame is a lazy and destructive path to nowhere.
