Insane behaviour

So I put down my phone.

Carefully does it; it’s like removing an arm.

I place it out of view.

Oh, and I switch it to silent.

I turn off the radio.

This is insane,

And the telly.

I sit alone, without the safety net of noise and information.

Bloody hell!

I feel restless.

This is clearly a complete waste of time.

A thousand thoughts spring to mind; two thousand anxieties.

Did I lock the car door?

I remember I forgot the milk.

And is it next weekend Geoff’s coming or the one after?

I then interrupt the anxieties. I try listening to my breathing, which is apparently what keeps me alive.

‘And your breathing is always present,’ they say.

So can I be present?

Gradually I become aware of the little universe who is me, and which I look after today.

It’s a remarkable discovery, a new land, my precious life.

Some mad thoughts arrive in my head and busy themselves for a while, supporting each other like a group of drunks at midnight.

I allow them through

My hand wonders about reaching for the phone, just to check…it’s been a while.

But instead, I stay listening to my breathing…my present breathing.

It’s a discipline, yes, here on my sofa, alone.

But also a discovery.

And if I can’t be alone with myself; if I cannot exist without distraction –

Am I fit to be with anyone else?

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